Well well. My livejournal and I meet again. But im in need of some serious venting so here it goes. My life has spiraled downward quite quickly actually since ooooooooh the last quarter of school. Im not going to act surprised i usually have annual breakdowns but i always pick myself back up. Im already on my way to that process but this time im going to need to put all my effort into it. so i guess it all started with me and not wanting to attend school. its not school that was all that bad, it was the waking up at 7 and feeling completely sick all day. so in turn my grades suffered. i did try to bring them up but no luck... im actually quite sure i was the smartest student in many of my classes i just couldnt bring myself to waking up to be somewhere i had no interest in being. anyways then when i finally got my car the exact thing i thought would happen happened. i was never home. 524 harvard ct is my least favorite place to be as a matter of fact. everyday i found something for me to do. i ended up hanging out with people i didnt even really liek most of the time just to do something. my cell phone is the only thing that connected my parents to me. (this comes in later but just for the record either of my parents will agree im an angel with telling them where i am and what im doing and giving them a heads up) ok then i realize i have no hours at work but i wasnt too distraught about this considering i hate hms host and i was making enough to pay off my car. ok so one day my dad calls and im surprised seeing as he never calls and hes never home. he tells me it would be wise for me to consider emancipation.. i put a few peices together and decided hes projecting the reason for him to leave amsterdam is because of me just like he projected the reason for my mother leaving him .. both of these things i know are not my fault but when you are told by a father figure that you caused the breaking up of your own family and that you should consider emancipation you start to make judgements about your father figure. from my judgements hes ignorant and needs to learn to take some responsibility for himself. so by this point holding my head high is nearly impossible due to lack of sleep and lack of self esteem. ok so me and my fathers personalities clash and thats not good. it makes it nearly impossible for us to be in the same house together. he has ocd and a slight case of bipolar disease and hes stubborn. terrible. so he and i have been arguing quite a bit and all his added stress causes my grades to go down further. ahh yes hes a drama queen as well and apparently im KILLING him by speaking to him(his doctor says so) one day i come home to a LAMINATED retarded set of rules for the summer. i chuckle and make up my own list of rules and suggest that he laminates that for me. im cute i know. so the next day in school i go to my car and he leaves a note for me on my car saying he agrees with everything i said in the note and its all reasonable etcetcetc. so im like wow things are looking up for the relationship between my father and i. what little did i know. by the end of the next day i was ready to jump off a bridge. i get called down to guidance and im expecting to talk about my schedule you know what my guidance councelor is supposed to be in charge of not interfering with my personal life. ok anywyas my parents are there and looking at my grades and attendance sheet thingy. it all looks bad.. i was told i cant go to fm next year because of this and then the school psychologist walks in. i dont even recall saying anything this whole meeting except (i dont want to be here can i leave)and i cried ..a lot. they ask me what else i want besides leaving and i say i want to be rid of this drama and stress i want to make myself happy and i want to be cut off financially from my parents. WOAHHHHHH this i guess is unheard of but i have confidence in myself and i have been pretty much financially independent for a year i would apply for medicaid and i wuold be set. oh i forgot there was humor to this part of my story. my dad brought his laminated set of rules and my freehand set of rules and tried convincing everyone how disobedient i was. ha! "one more year hannah" i repeat that phrase to myself so often. i plan on never returning to my so called family and just leaving everything behind and starting over. alright so back to my bitching. my hatred towards my father is growing exponentially by the second. i dont return home that night. my dad calls the next mornign demanding my keys . i give them to him. without a car i cant have a job without a job i dont have money without money i am useless. i have no home but about 100 offers to stay with people. i of course discuss my predicament with everyone because its a comforting feeling to hear them say they will help you any way possible. when i dont even have parents that help me out having friends that do is really important. i stayed with alyssa. i stayed with shawn for a while and with sarah. school ended. such good news. so sarahs house was working out nicely until her mom had a psychotic temper tantrum. i stayed at christinas one night. its hard. i always have the feeling that im an intruder. my defeatist attitude is getting in the way of my feelings for pat. pats perfect in everyway possible but i cant stand seeing him upseyt and thats the only feeling i cause him to feel. i find myself picking up dyland phone calls and getting enjoyment out of having someone who actually WANTS to hang out with me.. someone who openly admits to thinking about me constantly and listening to him tell me how amazing i am is usually the highlight of my day. pat clearly lost interest and i would do anything to get it back but its sooooooo painful knowing the person you love doesnt share the same feelings. i really do try to be optimistic but pats the only good thiung i have right now. if i lose him (each day it seems more and more like its gunna happen) i wont have ANYTHING just the thought is enough to drive me crazy. i wish i could take pat out and show him a good time but i dotn have a car. i dont have money to get him nice things.. with dylan though everytime we talk it seems liek he likes me more and more like im something special. sometimes i wish pat would break up with me so i dont waste any more of his time. he knows as well as i know that he is too good for me. i dont liek thinkign that way but i really do put him on a pedestal and i honestly think hes one of the most amazing people put on this planet. waht i want more than anything though is for him to be happy with me . i just wish i could get out of this rut and put a smile on. my body is so damaged from the past few days. fuck it. things will change.
days like these are amazing. im getting a car soon, im playing tennis, and getting food! well that is ill be playing tennis IF i get to school on time. anyways i didnt write about how i was being ridiculous and dwelling way too much on the future and stressing myself out but thats now over and done with. i guess what happens happens and ill leave it at that. i do a lot of stressing myself out. its almost like i choose not to stay on top of things. im perfectly capable of doing a considerable amount of homework but its pointless when my grades dont even reflect my efforts. well lately ive been getting back in the swing of school.. ya i definitly worked way too much last week. i know all the songs on the little playlist they play and ive had about 4 dreams i can remember about HMS host. typing out thoughts is hard. writing out thoughts is hard. im not sure what to write about. i guess i might need more sleep; i find myself tired a lot but i cant bring myself to fall asleep before 12. i watched mr and mrs smith last night which was a good movie. i didnt quite understand the details but the general plot and the main actress in the movie was good. the other day i watched hostel too and got dunkin donuts. i enjoyed that. i forgot how gross hostel was. hmmmmmmm next year im definitly taking a vacation during spring break.it was a mistake not to this year. i did nothing productive but hang out at work alllllllll the time. maybe ill take a vacation for winter break too. christmas break too. like now i can handle everything im doing but next year i predict that i will be craving some time in florida or anywhere hot for that matter. im kinda thinking about getting a different job. i dunno.. its kinda far away where i work and my hours arent too good plus with summer coming up ahhhhh no thanks but i dotn want to think about that now. if i find another decent paying job around here thats where ill be. oh wow i just got really sleepy just thinking about work i think im gunna lay down until someone decides to take me to school
well im just watching zoolander i kinda feel like doing something but im in the middle of a heated conversation...happy april fools day and day lights saving day. before work today i picked up my dress...its gorgeous...then i went off to work...pat came in and surprised me!!!!!! i was super excited....<3333333333 ha then later i took my break and almost gave ray a concussion. woops :( it was funny though...but oddly enough ray was being sooooo nice to me. haha this one glen kid came up to me and was like "do you want a hug?" and i was "pfff no" in such a mean way because he had all this gross stuff on him but then ray came walking towards me and had his arms open for a hug so i gave him a big hug and he lifted me up and spun me around the lobby and glen was just like :(. so ya i have this big research paper due and its really not close to done...i think everyone in that class failed this quarter because hes being such a peice of shit.. on friday i got nasty to say the least. i felt famous with a crowd chanting my name and such and chanting for me...on monday im going up to fm to get my schedule then tuesday im getting my cell phone then after friday there is only ten more weeks of school. im tired ....ahh fuck idk ill continue this tomorrow
well well well..today was okay i guess. the only interesting thing that has been going on is this spanish performance. this one kid is playing piano and i swear its the most impressive thing to watch i think i orgasm a little everytime he plays...its just so spectacular.. he chose me to be his page turner because im the only person who knows how to read music. but ya im supposed to be singing and dancing to shakira with becky and katie which i have no problem with except we dont really uhh feel like making up a dance so we just wing it up there. its not TERRIBLE. over the weekend i saw pat which was nice considering i havent seen him in ohhhhhhhhhhh about 2 weeks ...that totally sucks...so i celebrated 3 months by my lonesome...i had party hats and chips and everything....well actually i was at work like every other monday but im sure there were chips involved. i think i should not go to school more often.. lately i go rarely but when i do go my teachers expect me to be all lost and they force me into taking tests that look like gibberish to me at first but i figure everything out and my teachers suspect me of cheating but they must know that im just a star pupil. bahhhh i have to be at work soon and i really dont want to go....everyone there is all smiley to my face but really pissed at me behind my back... i would rather them just come out and say how they feel about me. lol since dil and i havent spoke in ages and we ran into each other in the back of bobs we later had a big heart to heart online... him and i got into a petty argument that totally was blown out of proportion but we're okay now maybe that means ill be getting my movie from him. i sort of fell asleep while talkign to him which probably made him mad...ill find out today. the first lacrosse game is coming up.. i really want to go hopefully its late enough ...well im off to work....Peace!<3
we ended off with me failing my road test i guess....the day after that was the bleeding through show. um aaron was right behind me for a good portion of it which put a damper on things but for the most part i enjoyed myself. school the next day was bad though because i was a bit tired. then it was thursday right? i worked. im really behind on some school work but not really...like in chem im never there much anymore and alll i have to do is make up a test. ive been pretty good with homework there and labs...then spanish all i really owe is this essay but its done i just dont feel liek typing it for a bad grade im goign to get anyways. pshh i procrastinate a lot. then history i have a one page essay ive been putting off but i talked to her about it and she extended when i need it in by...(i hate essays) then ENGLISH!!!!! i dont even know what mister scott is smoking but its liek he forgets that i hand in my stuff....then math im doing quite well in...uhhh so ya my 5 week report is going to be bad but ill raise my grades :). im just slacking a bit.. 3rd quarter does that to me. so im on friday now right? i got to watch project runway with pat and chloe won (eck) i got wendys and watched something about a tsunami i think. uhhhhh saturday my brother was liek hannah you should go to alyssas later and i was like alright but i guess that was jsut val going nuts asking peopel to go to her house so then i went to work and spent my earnings....heh. then uhh we went up to alyssas and no one was there so we all went to pats...stayed up till seven and called out of work. im really sick...i wanted to go see the hills have eyes with pat and them but i accidently fell asleep woops i felt really badly about that b ecause pat didnt end up going...i saw him monday though..i woke up at six to go to breakfast with him...6 am craziness...then he left :( and i miss him lately ive been watching movies like its my job...i watched what dreams may come today which is weird because i hated that movie the first time i saw it and i hated it evne more the second time....i like the way it portrayed hell though...very creative. im going to take a quick nap though because im sleepy
UGH why did i wake up today...oh yea thats right to get my license...well that didnt happen..instead of giving me my well deserved license this man decided to tell me my driving wasnt good enough which i thought was a little peculiar becuase i get nasty behind the wheel...i wish i knew his name so when im famous and influential i can bad mouth him...this weekend was actually a bit eventful for me so i guess ill talk aboot events that occured. ok friday ill start off with..christina feliciti and i were on our way to the show at redmans and we accidently ended up doing liek a 360 and eventually we were in a field. i wasnt phased much by the whole thing but christina and feliciti were kinda shook up...well actually christina was worried about her car and feliciti because feliciti i guess is a little nervous about people driving her places to begin with...i was just kinda sittin there...but 2 other cars went off the road too so a tow truck was on its way...30 bucks later we were at redmans. umm then taco bell and i think pat got a little mad at me there :(.......then we all went to nicks to watch waiting again...its a pretty good movie but i felt a little bad because christina was a little upset because her dad yelled at her and she thought nick was mad at her so she isolated herself for a while and i would have gone up to talk to her but i knew she wanted nick. so then i came back home and hung out with pat..saturday i woke up early and went to the bank and mall with adrian ryan and julio aka abe (i think i liek abraham better)...i bought tickets for bleeding through for myself and a few friends. my trip to the mall was actually quite fun..i never really get honest opinions from peopel about how i look and i did...we all spent a solid hour or so trying on sunglasses because i love sunglasses....ive always wanted a pair of aviators but im the only person i know who looks bad in those so i never get any..then i tried on some clothes and decided i needed a bathing suit. abe bought me one it was about 65 dollars...lol oh ya since my dad called me self centered i ended up buying him a shitload of stuff for his birthday and ive been buying food for my brothers and stuff lately..whos self centered now...hehe.ok im really behind in school but i had discussions with all my teachers and they are like ok i understand ... i have social skills i think. anyywaysss back to the weekend...the drive to work from the mall was fun...listened to some rap i didnt know the words too then some maroon 5...oh ya there was this crazy guy at the mall who was in the little water area where people throw coins and he was collecting a whole bunch of quarters and stuff with his shoes and socks and pants on so we of course took a picture..he was in there pretty far. then work was okay and after christina and i decided to take a trip to the 24/7 wal mart..at first we really didnt have a reason for going but then when we got there we saw a lot of boxes which made us think of the cardboard box derby at gore..we looked around for some empty ones until i finally decided to ask an employee to empty one for us...we took about 8 rolls of duct tape and headed back to christinas house to work on our project...its a long shot but the prize is a trip to aruba and i think im willing to construct this thing. so we put our game faces on and got to work. our duct tape ran out in about an hour becasue we coated most of the box with tape . i ended up sleeping there on her couch which i have to say is the most comfortable thing ever. then we woke up and got some more duct tape then we went to work...wow terrible day at work. raked in a lot of money though. i felt really sick and a few kids were actually vomiting. the gift shop was busy alll day so i didnt have time to get anything done and i didnt have time to run to the bathroom quick to throw up . i got reallllly stressed because everyoen was going home and i still had 2 hours to work and i had a headache adn i was really looking forward to a second in the bathroom but i never got to go...then it took dil adn ben 2 hours to get my fuckin drinks and they were on their way out so i didnt make them stay...so by 930 my to do list was about a mile long. i started crying because at the rate things were going i wouldnt be out until liek 11 and i just wanted to be home or at least in a bathroom and not dealing with the disgusting people that come to hms host. this guy stopped me while i had tears liek streaming down my face and black make up all over and he was like hey can i get your number? and i just had a blank expression on my face liek are you kidding me...and he was like :* so i gave him aarons it was kinda cool though because two of my previous customers came back to visit me....lol i wouldnt have even known unless they told me..i guess im not good with faces..but the one guy was likeeeeeee.....has anyone ever told you your gorgeous? and i was liek no never..then he was liek oh ya im pretty sure a guy in camoflauge abotu a week ago told you so and you sent him to the snack bar and he called you drunk and i then realized that this guy was telling me about the day we first met lol and i was like ohhh yea...then liek this other guy came in and was just STARING at me and i was liek ....hi and he was liek remember me ? then he showed me his zipper pull and i was liek oOHHH ya..this guy insisted on getting a zipper pull on his first visit to hms host and he brought his little band...i have them zipper pulls for a dollar each...but i didnt know that they were actually liek a decent band...one of their songs got on a ps2 video game...they were telling me how they were on tour and stuff and i was liek awwww dont you guys miss home...adn they were liek nah we are actually not lookign forward to going back and i was liek oh geeez...but ya at about 930 i was crying because i was realllllllly busy and if i get written up one more time im pretty sure i get fired....three times right? and tina is really strict about closing...well anywho..i got home and felt like shit and made it to school for the last 2 periods the next day then i went to christinas with pat and worked on the turkey and watched pirates of the caribbean...then when i got home i forgot that my brother wanted taco bell so i went and got him some...uhhhh then today i failed my road test ...i was so ready to jump off a clifff or drown myself but i didnt ...went to school and heard "its okay i failed my first time too" about 300 times...i made jess really nervous because her test was at 3..so at the end of the day i made sure to wish her luck and assure her that she would do fine because i felt bad..today i was a little jealous of all the lacrosse players...i miss aqovino lol i wanted to play this year but i work a lot and idk i guess im just too unsure to play. ill go to as many games as i can though i hope aqos lacrosse mix was as cool as libertys...uhm now im home and im getting a cell phone soon and on st patricks day weekend im going up to montreal with this girl....we are staying at my dads girlfriends daughters apartment ..no offense to my dad...but is he stupid? oh well..i wont complain...it might be an awkward ride up..just me and this girl i dotn know...that and people from saratoga have really weird taste in music...wow what an amazing scene of sex and the city.the writer of that show is genius. the end
its eight o clock!...o boy i dont want to go to school but im going regardless..later though.once again im a little frustrated with the males of my family..my dads birthday was yesterday and hes upset i didnt get him anything but ive been telling him since monday im going to the mall saturday and ive been asking him what he wants.plus my brothers had to be miserable people and they got him some cheap ass card but didnt put my name on it...thanks guys...im the person who always buys our parents the nice shit for holidays and stuff and i always add their names...and my dad was liek oh your brothers found time to get me a card..ya with their busy schedules and all...plus what has my dad done for me lately? hes always too busy to do me any favors like driving me home from work so i dont have to stay extra hours there or taking me out driving to practice....then he gets pissed when i have to work instead of go to lake placid...idk dad getting some money sounds a lot better than driving up to lake placid then being bored up there then driving back...i dont even remember what my dad got me for my sixteenth birthday....maybe he bought dinner for me or something..what a guy...maybe ill go to wal mart today before school and pick up some things...idk....i got paid 165 yesterday....putting allllll of that in the bank. i still feel a little sick...hmmm ill write about some good stuff now..watched waiting last night.it was funny...ugh i just keep thinking about what a dick my dads being to me...he calls me self absorbed all the time and thats probably the last thing i am..i dont even do anything for myself anymore. ya i work to make myself some cash and when im home i dont really want to hear his bitching about the messy house..maybe ill buy him a muzzle for his birthday..bwahaha..self absorbed my ass...im sleeeepy maybe thats why im grumpy
im never sure where i leave off..but ill start with monday..i took my five hour which okay because i knew half the people there and i got chinese food. when i got home i got to watch fashion week from season one of project runway...that was such an amazing present. i bought a jay mccarroll bag..i was so uninterested in project jay until i started watching the first season..i have a problem..today i met a guy who knew someone who worked for W magazine..i told him to mention my name to her...lolol ok so after project runway one pat and i watched spiderman two which was cool..then uhhh he left :( and i was alone again....then tuesday i got A LOT of food at ponderosa and watched a movie and got my period.yuck .. it was such a girly evening...reminded me of old times with alisha....hmm...i missed my christina though...shes pretty much my only friend that i liek hanging out with...ok so then wednesday rolled around and pat came over to watch requiem for a dream one of my faves..ugh aaron is being a nuisance again with his story telling...im going to brush it off this time though..because its liek fighting fire with fire. if i just let him think wahtever he thinks happened and dont argue maybe he will get bored of telling me how big of a whore i am...and ya im just a typical person for wanting to go to college...maybe ill quit college and come back to amsterdam and waste my time starting shit with numerous 16 year old boys..aarons tried bothering me brittnie alisha christina and probably others...kind of pathetic...kinda funny though too because we use that kid so much because we know he would do anything just to get some attention from us...what else..i went tanning todya with christina after work..and now im watching project runwya..sorry for this entry being terribly boring but im just not feelin it tonight. my hearts not in it lol...i dont feel like being emotional next time though :)
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
fhdsghajhjvs's journal
tired